Saturday, March 01, 2008

Away

I've been away for a very long time, I last updated my blog a few days before I went to camp on 9th and 10th of February...and today is the 1st of March. Lots of things happened. Most of them are not good. Last week...was not my good week...in fact, it was one of the worst.

Last two weeks was my mid-term exam for violin, choir and keyboard. I'll just simply write what I remembered. On Tuesday was the day when it all started. During the forum, I helped Munir, my friend for his performance. We played Jeritan Batinku. Before the show, Munir played Meditation with the accompanist. The piano in that conference room was...is...out of tune. So,when I got in together with Jig and Abg. Jono...our sound were all different from Munir's. So, I tuned my violin, so does the violist and cellist. We played Jeritan Batinku, I noticed that my part and Abg. Jono's part were out of tune...I'm not sure who's making the mistake...so I tried my best to make it the same. But I failed, En. Radzali asked us to perform again and he clearly blaming me and Abg. Jono...but more towards me...I was embarrassed and publicly humiliated. That was more than I can bear...but I be a professional musician and just took the critics. Later at night, I went to HEP for Brass Band practice, it was boring...and later...I cut my finger...great, just two days before my exam. And it was pretty bad.

The next day, I came to faculty with new hope. Then, my friend, ****** told something embarrassing about me in front of some guys. I was upset, I know lots of embarrassing things about ****** but I never told it to anyone because I don't want to hurt ******'s feelings. She even told it to some guy that I never even talked with...I asked her, "Perlu ke kau malukan aku macam ni?" Then she simply said; "Eh, perlu la...aku nak cerita kat semua orang!" Then, I became more upset...and I told her, "Jangan la...aku dh dimalukan semalam kat depan all diploma students!" Later, she kept quiet. Then I felt like crying the whole time. Until lunch, she still talked about it, then I go, "Dulu semua video kau yg memalukan tu aku x pernah cerita kat orang, kau mengigau pun aku tak carita kat orang," Later, ****** saw the look on my face, and she kept quiet. But I was hurt for the rest of the day.

On Thursday, my finger was getting worse and it was my exam day. It was bad!! Horrible!! I kept getting the notes out of tune, En. Azlan understands the pain I'm having on my finger. But I'm not sure if it'll effect my marks. I was disappointed and frustrated. I kept on being strong, putting everything inside my heart.

Friday, my keyboard exam...not as good as I expected. I never played that scale wrong before...but I screwed up during my exam...and I felt like jumping off the building!!!! I can't take it anymore...but I still buried it inside me.

Saturday, went to Kor as usual. Wan asked me to go to MPO performance that night...but I didn't have anything formal to wear, only jeans and t-shirt. So, I didn't go, I went to orchestra pratice. Azam, Munir and Siska was there as well. Later that night, Wan told me the performance was spectacular...and I must go see it at any cause. I talked with my mom, and she said I can go if I have a partner with me...

Sunday, I still can't find a partner...so, my mom come with me to KLCC to watch the performance. But, unfortunately, by the time we reached there, the tickets were sold out. I was frustrated. And suddenly, all the feelings from all that week...the frustration, disappointment, humiliation, embarrassment, anger, sadness all came together in my heart...and I can no longer hold it. I went to the toilet and I cried my heart out. Later, I didn't feel any better...so, I went to Tower Records and bought Wieniawski and Saint-Saens CD.

So, after all that, I felt different...I felt like something is wrong, something is missing, something must be done...but I have no idea what. I felt like waiting for someone to come...but I don't know who. I always feel like there's someone in my head that I'm thinking about...but have no idea who or what...I felt so lonely...like no one truly understands how I feel...or even cares how I feel. I hate the idea of feeling this way...it's a torture. And it lasted this whole week. =(

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