Saturday, April 17, 2010

trying not to think too much about it...

about what? future...i guess with me at the edge of my final semester, and not going to be around next semester...it makes me sad. why? about losing all the friendships that i found within three years of studying. why i feel like that? because i don't really have a friend that i really do everything together with. i'm like a free lancer, i go to every group of people, but i'm not really the main attraction, just somebody that they don't mind having around. but when time comes where certain activities can only be done by people within their group, then i'm off alone. it's not really that bad, coz at least, in a way, you know more people. but, it's really hard for you to tell which one can you go to when you have a problem and you need a shoulder to cry on. i always have this problem, which in the end made me lock all those problems and emotions inside. people don't really notice it coz i cover it up with a happy face. i know i will find a friend that i can hold on to one day, i know i will...but when or where it will happen? i certainly can't tell. i am hating feeling like this. i don't want to think about it. i really don't...but as time goes by it becomes really hard not to. another thing that can turn me emo is probably that my birthday sucks this year. haha, don't get me wrong, i received a lot of wishes (not as much as the previous year) and i am very thankful for those who remember my birthday and i also very happy with wan and thairy's birthday presents. they gave me a kitty doll and thairy gave me a shirt. i was actually very happy with it coz it's the only birthday presents i get. what make it sucks? because i was busy from early morning until late night that April 15, 2010 doesn't feel like a 21st birthday. not that i want to be turn into a human cake with people throwing eggs and flour and water at me, but somehow, when i look at my friends....having people remembering their birthday until they're willing to spend some time to think of a way to celebrate it and willing to spend some money to plan it...to make it worth remembering, make me feels happy for them coz they have some very good friends. but what makes me sad...is that i never experience it. the only birthday celebration i receive is from my own family...i never know how it feels like to have friends surprising you on your birthday...not before or after...i wish i know. like nazrul, people don't throw stuff at him, but they took him to dinner on his birthday, and surprise him with a birthday cake which put a very meaningful smile on his face. or munir, he got to become white this year with people throwing flour at him, hahaha, or thairy, people making some doodle on his face and hands with marker pen and later received a birthday cake, same goes to wan, received an unexpected birthday celebration...it sounds very very very cool. it gives you something to really look back and laugh about what happen on your birthday. i won't becoming back to uitm next semester and i live so far away...so i will rarely visit. haihz~ will i be completely forgotten? i don't know. only time will tell. i should really stop this post coz tears are filling my eyes already. hahaha. and i shouldn't be so sad, coz even though my birthday is over, my family going to celebrate my birthday today. and my mom ask me to invite some friends over. i invited 6 to 7 friends...at least i will get to feel celebrating a "belated" birthday with my friends for the first time. it's something to look forward to, right? and i am indeed very excited about it. i hope people won't think that i'm trying to gain sympathy out of this post, coz i'm not. like i said earlier, i don't really have a friend to go to when i want to let out my emotions, and i hate diaries, and since i don't know who really read my blog, so, it gives me comfort to just let it out here.
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