Friday, October 12, 2012

Broken Inside

*photo taken from Tumblr

When I was a kid, I would say I am very unaware of the world.
I am in my own world, not knowing how cruel life can be.
I was never afraid even though I was shy.
The idea of being judged never came to mind.
As I grew older, I've changed.
I started to see things differently.
I started to feel things differently.
The thing that I remember most as I was growing up...will probably be the feeling of hatred and abandoned.
Yes, it is true.  I was teased a lot as a child, being the youngest among my siblings just made it worse.  I was bullied in school that non of my family members know about until today.  
I grew up with these words:
"you're fat"
"you're ugly"
"your skin is so dark that I can't even see your face"
"you are so tall that you look like a giraffe" 
"you're nothing but trouble"
"I don't like you"
"you are a burden"
I know, some of you will laugh at it, will think it is silly.
Well, I've been teased that way for as far as I can remember, by my friends, family, and people that I never even talk to before.
I grew up absorbing those words and believe that they are true...because, I thought that if everyone in my life including my family said it...then it must be true.
I grew up terrified of gaining weight, I feel fat even though people said I need to gain more weight.
I feel ugly all the time that I can't stand people looking at me.
I thought that I have friends, until I realized that I am disposable.  No one wants to hangout with me, the people that I always call my best friends hangout with me when their best friends were not around.  I was left alone when their buddies were around.  I stopped believing in friendship.
I was not yet 12 when this all happened, and I believed in it through my teen years.

*photo taken from Tumblr

My teen years, of course I tried not to care too much of what I thought of as a kid.
It didn't changed the fact that I was still very insecure with myself.
But at least I managed to make a few friends.
Even though there was a time that I felt disposable, but I pushed it away.
I didn't really have a life back then...
Probably because I learn music, school during the weekdays, music lessons during the weekends.
Basically, I have school 7 days a week.
I didn't get a chance to hangout with friends.
My mom didn't let me watch TV coz she wanted me to study, do homework, practice and only that.
My parents never let me go out with friends.
So again, I became unforgettable among friends.  We have nothing to talk about because I don't know much about what's on TV and stuff.  No one really remembers me, no one even bother to invite me for anything.
At least I have a few friends that I met outside of school, in youth orchestra and all.
Then again, I only met them during the weekends for the music lessons, I never went out and just have some fun together.
All of my friends, either from school or not...started to be in love with the idea of being in a relationship.
They all started dating...not me.
Because I always feel ugly inside and out that I still distanced myself from the opposite sex.

*photo taken from Tumblr

Then came university time.
I just finished school.  I was 18 and I wanted to experience new things.
I started to think to myself that some of the thoughts in my mind just gotta change.
I just need to believe in myself more and think less of what other people thought of me.
I was doing my Diploma in Music at the time.
Met some really great and fun people.
Of course I was never really in the list of invitation for anything, I am the kind of people who got to tag along because they just want to be nice to me.
I finally met a boy during this time...it was my first relationship...however, the more I thought of it...the more I wonder if I was actually in love.  I say this because I was happy, for a moment back then I really was the happiest and I started to believe in myself.  However, it never felt sincere.  It felt more like a duty.  After awhile, I realized that I should not be doing this if I am not sincere at it.  So, it didn't work out.
Things got from okay to the extreme worse...and I don't even know why.  
The feeling of anger start to come, and that just brought back all the hatred that I felt growing up.  But I'm a little different I must say, probably a little bit mature than I was, it didn't bother me much...because I know I made the right decision, and frankly speaking, it was the first right decision after a very long time.
After the break-up was finally done with, my insecurity was still my main issue.  I still don't believe in friendship but the idea of a true friend fascinate me.  I wish everyday to find a true friend.  
Then I meet another boy, and this time the happiness that I get felt really sincere.
I started to actually call a few people in my life "my good friends"
I was definitely a happier person, and this time, it felt really from the heart and it still makes me feel really good ^_^

*photo taken from Tumblr

I am without a doubt a very different person than I was in school.
I still have confidence issue but it is not as bad as before.
I still feel lonely even though I am happily in love because I still rarely hangout with my friends.
I still didn't get invited, and every time I invite someone...it usually gets turn down.  I don't really mind at first, but after consistently happen over and over, of course it gets to me.  It made me wonder am I even a good friend.  I do things by myself most of the time...I drive alone, I shop alone, I eat alone, I even watch movies alone...not because I like it...but because I don't have anyone to go with when my boyfriend is not around.  I don't see my boyfriend everyday...and when he goes back to his hometown, I will not be able to see him for more than a month.  When that happen, that is when I realize how truly lonely I am.
I never really talk about it, because I have trust issues...I got broken a lot in friendship that I can't find the trust to have a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend.  Even though they are very nice and will help me if I need their help, but...I am still very much insecure.  Another reason for me not to talk about it because I always feel that I am a burden...so I don't want to be more of a burden.

*photo taken from Tumblr

However...I know it is an issue of myself, I will need to deal with it.
It is still a working progress...sometimes I felt really good and sometimes it just felt like there's no point of living anymore.  You have absolutely no idea how many times I questioned what is the purpose of my existence in this world...coz I never feel like I am good enough.  Always not a good enough musician, always not a good enough friend, always not a good enough girlfriend, always not a good enough daughter, always not a good enough student...always not good enough.  I feel so worthless...useless...helpless...nothing but a burden.
But...things just have to change.  I know that I need to believe and have a little more faith and never give up.
That what matters....never give up.

And as long as I still live...I will never give up, I will never stop trying.
And I hope...for everyone that feel like how I feel...don't ever give up.  Ever.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're not alone, honey :)
Many people go through this- I know exactly what you mean.

You'l be alright :)