Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hole?

I am back in my country, Malaysia.  It took me two days later to update this blog after my Cambodia trip.  Not usually like me, I am usually the kind of girl who will get to the computer and start expressing myself about the trip on my blog five minutes after I reached home.  Oddly, not this time, I don't know why.  I thought this trip can take things off my mind...but it didn't.  I think it is getting worse...and to add the icing on top of the depressing cake...I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it.  So, here I am expressing myself to my blog, no idea who's reading it...not even sure if anyone reads it.  In case you are wondering what it is that bothers me so much, I would say many things.  One of my biggest flaw is that I think too much.  However, at the top of my already-depressing-list, it is about me feeling extremely lonely.  I don't know...my whole life I've been thinking about how I got dumped around by my so-called friends a lot, I probably shouldn't been thinking about it, but I guess I just can't help it coz it's like a big routine in my life.  Wanna hear something "awesome", ever since I got back from Cambodia...no one...not even a single soul...not even my own boyfriend asked me "How was your trip?" or "How was Cambodia?" or "Did you have fun?".........super right?  Of course, if you don't know me, then I should tell you that I am a kind of girl who always put on a smile and pretend like I don't care...I guess I am quite an actress because people do think that I don't.  I don't want to talk about it to anyone because if I talk about it, then I will feel like the attention that I'm getting is because of me feeling down....because a friend is trying to be a good friend or a boyfriend trying to be there for me......but not because I am special that even the little things matter to them...I guess I am just not special enough.  That is just me..."never enough."  I don't know, maybe it is what I will always have to deal with...maybe I will always be the "never enough" girl...I am not asking to be "always enough" but I do want to be "special enough" to someone.  Frankly speaking, at this moment of my life with this depressing feeling..........I don't feel like I am memorable enough to anyone at all to be considered as "special enough."  I am done here...playing in that orchestra again was nice, I went to Angkor Wat, met some new people....I guess I have something good to remember this year.....this very rough year.....maybe I should put in a couple of photos so it won't look so depressing...



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