Friday, August 15, 2014

• Refresh •

I want to be honest by saying that I need to refresh my mind and life.  I need to do that by being away from my current life now and just be in a place where I can start fresh, even if it's only for a couple of years.  I am not happy with life anymore.  The only thing that keeps me going is music.  I'm not happy with pretty much a lot of things in my life.  I feel like a big amount of energy need to be put out just to pretend to be happy in this family.  I feel like a big amount of energy need to be put out to pretend like I'm fine in front of my friends.  Every thing is becoming such a big task to do.  When I went to New York for two weeks last June, that is the only time when I feel rejuvenated, for some reason.  When I am that far away from my current life, I feel relaxed, I feel calm and at peace.  All the unnecessary weight that were on my shoulders seemed to have disappear for that two weeks.  Just to be away from all the people that I know, seems to give me some balance.  I still keep in touch with them with technology, but because of the distance between us, I am more positive.  I feel like I can get along better with the family, I feel like I don't have to try so hard to fit in among friends.  It all feels natural.  However, when I'm back in Malaysia, everything came back, all the weight just came back.  I don't know how to maintain that positivity that I felt from New York.  My parents continue to pressure me on giving up music, which is the only reason I keep fighting to live, the only thing that keeps me happy.  Everything in my life reminds me of the one man that I truly love with my heart and soul and just couldn't move on.  I can't breathe.  I feel like the wall of my life is closing in on me...I just need to break free.  I need to just disappear and be somewhere else.  My heart is getting exhausted, my body is losing just maintain the energy to make it through the day.  I know now, that music is not enough to be the only thing that keeps me going.  I know people will tell me "happiness is a choice" or other philosophical quotes.  I do choose to be happy, it just that, the more I choose to be happy, the more I realize...that I need some time off from this place.

It is because of this realization, that studying abroad no longer becomes something that I want, but rather, something that I need.  One of my dream in life is to study abroad, to gain some knowledge and new perspective about music in a totally new place.  That has always been the reason, I want that experience so much.  Now, that is not the only reason why I want to study abroad.  I need to get out of here, what better way to get that than studying abroad?  Even if it's only for two years, I think it will do me more good...than just knowledge and experience.  I know it will give me a chance to refresh my mind, refresh my energy, and just find myself again.  I don't have the power to get out of this house I'm living in, I know I can't get the freedom that I need.  I know the only way I'll ever leave this house is through marriage, and that is not what I'm willing to do.  I know, if I get married, I need to sacrifice so many things, and I'm not ready to make that kind of sacrifices for another man.  It becomes clearer to me, on why I have always wanted to study abroad so much.  That way, I get to experience life.  I get to live my life, learn more things, be happy, and spread my wings and just learn to fly on my own.  I need freedom.  Believe me, I am the type of person who cannot be contained within walls.  I need to be able to just be free and experience life the way I want.  I need to learn from my own mistakes and grow from my own experience.  I will be 26 next year....and I still can't have a road trip with my friends just for the fun of it.  The only time my parents will let me travel is if I'm performing somewhere far.  If I'm not carrying my violin to work somewhere, there is not even a smallest chance that I can have a fun road trip with friends.  I envy them so much when they upload pictures of their road trips.  Every time I see it, I just wish I'm part of it. wonder I feel so suffocated with my life, huh?

As for my love life, at this moment, I am still having a hard time to open up.  I still love him too much that it hurts.  I don't know when I will be able to feel the feeling of being loved.  I don't know when I will be able to have someone that makes me feel so special.  He might be out there somewhere, or maybe there is no one out there for me afterall.  I don't know, that is something that I can't predict.  I will just have to wait and see what comes in my way.  At this moment, I just can't see myself loving another I'm losing the ability to love myself.  I'm losing the ability to love myself, because I can't find a way to forgive myself.  How can I forgive myself for not being good enough in my previous relationship?  How can I forgive myself for not being able to make him happy?  How can I ever possibly forgive myself?  I look in the mirror and I hate what I see.  I feel disgusted...because it's her fault...she was just never good enough for anyone.  I hate her.  I know I shouldn't feel that way, I know I should love that girl that I see when I look in the mirror, I know I should forgive her and allow myself to be happy again.  Believe me, I tried so many ways.  I prayed, I meditated, I did all kind of therapy...but after awhile, at the end of the day, I ended up looking in the mirror and ask my own reflection:  "Why can't you be good enough?"

It is only when I'm halfway across the world, that I truly enjoyed my own company.  That is when I truly feel happy being myself.  I miss that.  I want that.  I need that.  Unfortunately, I can't have it with the kind of energy around me right now.  People telling me to get back into relationship as if they know me best.  People telling me I can't become a musician.  People questioning my future like I have none.  I just can't live like this anymore.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  This is why I need to break free, I just need to be on my own, literally on my a different land.  I need some time to myself, without having the need to worry about everything that happened around me.  I need to find myself again.  I need to forgive and love myself again.  I need to refresh....I really do.


Anonymous said...

Hi Wani. I came across your blog, and I read this post. And I would just like to say, it's hard, it's tough, but it's not impossible. With given time, everything will work out. I know how you feel about the need to break free and go away from everyone and everything that you have ever known, I'm feeling it too. As for the whole future thing, though you don't really exactly have a plan now, it doesn't mean that you are useless or hopeless. I'm aiming to be a doctor, and I cannot describe to you how horrendously worthless and useless I feel.
Being good enough... Well, nobody will ever be good enough, 'cause nobody's perfect or great by birth. It's all perspective and how you think. Sometimes it's good to feel inferior, 'cause it's a form of motivation to be better. Ignore what others think, we can never please everybody.
Life's a bumpy road, and we all feel inferior and worthless but with time, everything will work out. Probably not now, but in the future, for sure.
Hang in there Wani, we all have to be strong for ourselves cause at the end of the day, we live to please ourselves and not anyone else. :)

Wani said...

Thanks for your kind words, whoever you are :)