Sunday, October 04, 2015

Conceal Don't Feel

I admit, I have the habit of not allowing people to go beyond the surface of who I am.  Very few people in life can get beyond the surface after the tip of the iceberg and even fewer get to go deeper in the ocean and I would say none will know how big it is.  I guess this situation is relatable to everyone, I'm sure everyone does this.  In my case, almost everyone in my life stays at the tip of the iceberg.  I tend to give the impression that I'm not interested or I don't care...but underneath, I actually do care and interested...A LOT.  This covers pretty much all possible aspect of my emotions.  I never truly show how grateful, happy, and excited I am just like how I never truly show how sorry, sad, angry or heartbroken I am.  Most of the time, I let out this emotion when I'm alone in my room, where I usually write them down, or cry them out, or just day dream and smile like an idiot alone.  Even when I do share it with other's always at the surface, but never truly about how I really feel or think about of the situation.  May it be the happy ones or the sad ones.  I pretty much look at it as a curse...because the truth is...I am very emotional.  I get happy and excited very easily, and I get sad and frustrated very easily as well.  I'm Aries afterall.  I have this big ball of emotions that I refuse to let it be seen too much.  I have this Elsa mode of "conceal don't feel, don't let them know..." kind of situation.  Not because I like it that way...but because it became a habit.  Honestly, I don't entirely remember the triggering point of me not wanting to show too much emotions despite me being an emotional human being.  However, I have a feeling that it occurs during my "Great Depression" phase a few years back.  That's probably when I was so depressed that I decided to just not show too much of how I feel.  Because that's just the safest way of not getting hurt and staying securely content with life.  It's getting better now I think, at least I can slowly show my feelings.  It was much worse back then where I always act like I don't care.  

However, old habits die hard.  There are many moments in my life where I feel like if I am just more open about my own emotions...things will be much much different with certain individuals or situations.  If I just stop hiding everything inside once I feel too much of something, then I might not have push away too many people in my life.  I said before that it's a curse because in the process of me hiding away everything because my fear of getting hurt by the external influence...I ended up hurting myself even more than anything or anyone else.  That feeling sucks.  BUT, showing too much of your emotions can also be out of control and might not have a healthy outcome.  I guess...I am still unable to find the balance that I end up turning on the "conceal don't feel, don't let them know..." mode.  Honestly, sometimes I feel like an idiot when I realized that I should've just be more open with my own emotions.  I guess...if fate meant it to be that way...things will end up being that way.  Everything happens for a reason right?  I have another bad habit of wanting to know how everything will turn out...that it might turn me into a control freak.  So, letting go of that is also a working progress.  I guess the question after you realized something happened the way it how do you move on from there?

I guess only time will tell...only time will tell...

*taken from Tumblr

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