Sunday, December 06, 2015

Boring and Proud

For a long time, I've always think of myself as a boring person, and a lone ranger.  And for a long time, I actually felt bad about it.  Nowadays, I just embrace it and accept it.  I will not say that I will stay the same forever, because I don't want to stay the same, I want to be better than who I was yesterday.  But yeah, currently, I would say I'm a boring person, and it's not really a bad thing.  Why do I say I'm a boring person?  

I Like Doing Things Alone

I wasn't always a lone ranger.  I really wasn't.  I kind of get used to it to the point where it just feels natural to not rely on other people to do things.  I guess the reason why I became a lone ranger is mainly because I can't get people to do stuff with me.  I may be some people's "good friend" but I am nobody's "best friend" and because of that it just hard to get people to hang out with.  I will end up waiting around for people to be free, and most of the time, they are not.  They kept telling me they are busy with work while posting pictures of them hanging out with their real best friends online doing some really fun stuff.  That used to bother me a lot, because it made me wonder why can't I be someone's best friend?  After awhile, I guess I began to ask I really need to do all those things with people to have fun?  And I answered "No" to myself.  So I began to do stuff alone, I start to shop alone, then I move to other things like watching movies alone, I go eat ice cream alone, I go eat at fancy restaurant alone, I eat at fast food restaurant alone, I go to the park alone, I have picnic in the park alone, I go to the museum alone, I went to New York alone, I went to Ed Sheeran's free standing concert alone, I went to orchestral performances alone, I went to Pentatonix's performance alone, I went to a wedding alone.  Trust me, the list goes on.  Literally, the amount of things that I do alone in my life is a lot.  I've had people commenting saying I'm weird, I've had people trying to sympathise to me for doing things alone.  I don't mind them for feeling or thinking that way, but I really think it's not necessary because I don't feel weird and I definitely don't need any sympathy because I have fun.  I admit, it was awkward when I started doing it, because I kept thinking of what people actually think when they see me do things alone, but after awhile, I realized...fuck 'em.  

*taken from Tumblr, not my photo.

I am Socially Awkward

The downside of being a lone ranger, is that I have very poor social skills.  Starting up a conversation with strangers are probably one of the hardest things for me.  I am just bad at making new friends.  I am probably among those people that will sit in the corner in a room full of people.  This is probably why when it comes to "social events," I avoid doing it alone, which means I just avoid it altogether because most of the time I can't get people to come with me because everyone is always busy with work.  I guess you can say that I have social anxiety, I will not rule out that possibility.  I don't have problem communicating with people working in a store if I need them to help me with something because that's more like a "business talk" but to just simply chat with people that I don't know, or barely usually just end with a lot of awkward silences.  Which is another reason why I might be viewed as "boring" to other people.  However, I must add, that like a lot of socially awkward people, I am a completely different person once I'm comfortable with you.  I love sarcasm, and talking about deep-serious stuff all at the same time.  Do I mind being a socially awkward person?  I have hopes for it to improve in the future, most definitely, but at the same time I'm not entirely depressed over it because it's not the end of the world.

*taken from Tumblr, not my photo.

I am Always The Neutral Party

Okay, maybe not "always" the neutral party, but most of the time, I am.  I am not necessarily a neutral party because I want to be, at times I do, but there are also times simply because I am just unable to choose a side.  Why?  Because I always look at things from more than one perspectives.  It can be tiring at times, and I read somewhere that it's a "higher perspective" way of thinking because it's like having a bird-eye view on things, but I really don't know if that applies to me.  With many conflicts, I am always looking at the rights and wrongs of all sides, and because of that, "right" and "wrong" seems very subjective because what you think is "right" and "wrong" can be different from other people and it doesn't mean that anyone is wrong or right because it's just perspective.  This is not something that everyone can understand, because to some people, their minds work in a way where everything must have a clear line between each other.  If that is right, then it's right, and if it's wrong, it's wrong.  To them, things must be black and white all the time.  However, there are also people who blurred the lines, I am one of these people.  I will not say that I always blurred the lines, because I don't, there are things in life that I see as wrong and right as well.  For example, I think killing people is wrong.  Even if that person killed someone you love, I still think that it doesn't give you the rights to kill that person.  I also think that it's right to do things out of love, even to things or people that you feel don't deserve it.  So, on those things, I have a clear idea on my "right" and "wrong" and it's just my perspective, so people are allowed to "agree to disagree" with me.  But there are also times when it's just absolutely subjective to be right or wrong.  For example, someone throw an offensive remarks about something, lets say women are stupid, people are demanding this person to apologize but this person refuse to apologize.  There will be a large group of people that will say that person's action of calling women stupid is wrong, and apology is necessary to make things right.  I agree to that.  But then, let us look at it from a different perspective, society always teach us to stand by what you believe in and that it is not wrong to defend your own thoughts.  So, this person that said women are stupid stood by his/her thoughts and refuse to apologize because he/she feels like he/she is not wrong and he/she is just simply standing by what he/she believes in.  Now, is that right or wrong?  You may claim that it is ego.  And you are not wrong about that too.  But, aren't those people demanding apology are also reacting out of ego?  Think about it, ego is something that everyone has, it's a defence mechanism to "always be right" and to "always win" in conflict situation.  Both sides want to win, one group of people feel like by getting the apology, they'll be right, and therefore they win.  And the other side feel like by standing by his/her beliefs, he/she will be fighting for what he/she believes is right.  This is just a vague situation, but this is pretty much how I see things in a lot of conflicts around me.  Which is the reason why I am almost always the neutral party, again, that makes it boring to other people because I can agree and disagree to both side.  Not so fun to gossip with someone like me, huh?  Hahahaha.  Oh well, welcome to my life.

*taken from Tumblr, not my photo

My Interests are Different

I am speaking just from the fact that I can hardly find people with the same interest as me.  A lot of people that I know either only listen to dance music, something that you mostly hear in clubs.  Others strictly western classical.  Others are strictly traditional music.  A few hard core rock music.  Some only listen to music of their mother language.  Yes, I know variety kinds of people, and that makes life awesome ^_^  I am the type that listen to all kind of music but the music that I like are never really from the same genre.  My playlist will consist of music before 20th century, 20th century music as well, film scoring music, other instrumental music, Disney classic music, or music from musicals, I have Carpenters, Queen, Abba, Michael Jackson, and I also have Gorrilaz, Eminem, Ed Sheeran, First Aid Kit and Taylor Swift.  A few Malay songs and a couple songs in a language that I don't even speak.  So you "kind of music" is not specifically to one type of music.  I don't have a favourite genre, I don't have a favourite band or singer.  I have people who I admire to be talented but generally, if I like the music, then I like the music.  Regardless who composed it or sang it.  I remembered a few years ago, friends riding in my car and kept pressing next because they just don't like my taste, some even requested to put in "their music" coz they just think my music is boring.  Someone tried to shuffle play my music, same story, after a few attempts on pressing "next" they just gave up.  Hahaha.  Do I feel bad?  Not at all, I like what I'm listening to, it makes me happy, and that what matters most when I listen to music.  As for other interests, like movies...still, I hardly find people with the same interests as me.  To begin with, I love films and the process of film making, so when I watch movies I definitely look at the scoring, the actors' performances, the plot, and such.  And most of the time, I find movies with a lot of texts or dialogues in them, if done right, will definitely be on my list of favourite movies.  In other words, drama movies.  The Lord of the Rings, King's Speech, American Hustle, The Theory of Everything, Imitation Game, Still Alice, Atonement, etc. for me, these are the kind of movies that have quality.  My favourite movie of all time will be The Lord of the Rings trilogy mainly because of a more personal reasons behind it, one of it being the very reason why I become deeply interested in film making and film scoring.  For movies, I can admit that I have a favourite director, which will be Tim Burton.  The only reason for this is because I fucking love every single movies that he directed.  And I love all of Danny Elfman's music for all of Burton's movies.  Then of course, just because I love serious movies, doesn't mean I don't enjoy watching movies of other genre.  I enjoyed a lot of Disney Classic and Disney Pixar.  I love Devil Wears Prada, Mean Girls, Kingsman (by far the best movie in 2015 in my opinion), and some superhero movies, and many other action packed movies.  But what makes people feel difficult talking about movies with me is the fact that I can go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, about it and people just get bored after awhile.  I can go on talking about my other interests but I think it's better for me not to drag this post any longer than it already is.

*taken from Tumblr, not my photo

In conclusion, I am absolutely fine with the way I am.  As the title says:  Boring and Proud ;)  I want to say again that I will not say I will stay like this forever, because I don't want to stay the same, I want to always be a better person.  It just happens that I am capable of being happy by just being by myself, enjoying the many things that I enjoy that not many people that know me personally can relate to.  I am grateful for that because I have seen some friends that I know posted depressing posts on Facebook on how depressed they are that they need to eat alone in a restaurant.  I feel sad for those people who just can't enjoy their own company.  Don't get me wrong, I think it is great to be in company of people that you like, but at the same time I feel that it is equally important to also enjoy having some moments alone in public places like restaurants or cinemas.  Well, I should stop now, this post is definitely longer than I thought it will be.  Thanks so much to those who are actually still reading this, it means that you don't think I'm boring!! (I hope?)  So, thank you for that ^_^  much love from me for your generosity to spend your time reading this.  Have a great week ahead, and I see you when I see you.  Toodles~~

Yours truly, Wani Ismail ^_^

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