Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Still Alive

Hello my dear blog, and whoever that might be reading.  It has been awhile since I wrote something here.  I have not been writing any film reviews like I always do not because I didn't feel like writing reviews, it is because I have not been to the cinema since the last film review that I wrote, which was Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them.  This can only mean one thing, I missed some of big blockbusters lately.  From Moana, Rogue One, La La Land, and plenty others.  I know, I have been missing out.  I do wish I will get to watch them all at some point.  So far, I have not been to the cinema at all in 2017.  Hopefully soon though.

You're probably wondering what happened to me that I stop going to the cinema, or probably not, you probably don't even care, but what the heck, I'm going to tell you anyway.  Let's just say my priorities kind of shifted lately to other things.  I need to focus on many other things and that gives me barely any time to go to the cinema.  I am in my final year of postgraduate here in Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama, and I guess it just shift my focus to more serious things.  Although, I have to admit that I probably should give myself a break once in awhile and just do something fun for a chance, like going to the cinema, lol.

I think a lot lately.  Which is probably not a good thing, because I tend to overthink everything, and I have been trying to have more focus and not overanalyze or overthink things too much.  However, I have been feeling like I'm falling back into the old habit.  That's not really a good thing, it will just heightened my anxiety, especially in performing.  I've been trying to get back into meditating, and yoga.  Lacking in discipline when it comes to the two things that actually help to calm my mind effectively.  That's probably why I'm falling back into the old habit.

*taken from Tumblr
One of the reason why I am starting to think too much again lately is basically trying to figure out how can I just believe in myself?  Let just say that I am getting tired of having anxiety when I perform.  I want to be able to share with people what I can create through my playing, I want to be able to go to audition without shaky hands in front of the panels, I just want to be confident.  I tried many things, mindfulness breathing, yoga, meditating, embracing the fear, eat banana, eat dark chocolate, and many other things, but I still find myself not being able to just relax, always forgetting to breathe while I play.  Or just not being able to stop thinking that I am not good enough.  People can give me all sorts of encouragement that they want, but at the end of the day, it is up to me to believe in myself, and that is the one thing I am struggling with.  Please don't confuse this to self-loath.  It is nothing like that, I do love myself, but at the same time I am having trouble believing that I am not the worst violinist in the room, I just can't stop myself from thinking that everyone else is so much better than me.  I just can't stop comparing myself to other people.  I know, it's a horrible thing to do.  I guess because I was always being compared (in a negative way) to with someone else ever since I'm little, it just become engraved in my mind to do the same, and just become a parasite to my mind.

Oh well, I don't really want to write too long.  I'm a little tired, and I don't want to bore other people with my life's problem.  I see you when I see you.. Hopefully soon :)

*taken from Tumblr

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